Peace in Iraq
Dear Usama Bin Laden,
The ugly war in Iraq that is killing so many Iraqis can be concluded promptly. Given your influence with the insurgents, here’s my pro bono advice.
Tell the Iraq insurgents to halt all conflict immediately. No more suicide attacks, no car bombs, no Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs) no street fighting, so sniper attacks, no nothing.
Have them melt away, become invisible. Thy can return to their home villages and spend time with family and friends. May take a shower, get a haircut, have some tea and read the paper. Take the kids fishing or for a nice long hike, or go for a bike ride.
Usama, you need is to think strategically. Killing a few hundred here, or a thousand there, that’s merely a short term tactical advantage that unfortunately prolongs the war. They longer your guys act nasty, the longer the USA forces will be forced to stay in Iraq.
They all want to come home, trust me. And the majority of Americans want these young kids back home so they can spend time with their families, take the kids fishing, you know the drill.
What you seem to be missing is that the USA needs a face saving way out of the Iraq quagmire. If you get the insurgents to lighten up, SOON, then we’ll start pulling out so fast that your head will spin.
We have a presidential election coming soon. With your cooperation, the entire American force can be withdrawn by early 2008.
I know this sounds like an aggressive schedule, but if you’ll help us out by convincing your Iraqi insurgents to be cool, it will work out for both sides.
Ideally, you also advise the Sunnis to actively support the new Iraq constitution. Be nice to the Kurds also. This needs to be one big happy Iraq that appears stable.
It’s really important that you encourage your guys to increase oil production ASAP. Usama, if you haven’t noticed, our gasoline now costs over $3.00 a gallon. After all these years playing house with the House of Saudi, those craft devils have left us twisting in the wind.
Do what you can to crank up the flow of petrol. Otherwise we’ll start junking our gas guzzling V8 monster tuck SUVs and go crazy buying little Japanese hybrids. We may even get serious about using wind and solar energy. Before you know it, the entire Middle East looks less strategic to the USA and more like the desolate arid wasteland you and I both know it is.
I know you may think this plan is too bold. But work with me. The USA is totally distracted. We just proved to ourselves that we cannot cope with a hurricane, never mind a nasty terrorist attack. You can and should get the guys in Iraq to relax. Let the USA withdraw with some shred of dignity. Ideally, show us where at least one weapon of mass destruction is. Help our government hold it’s collective head high while we run 24 by 7 convoys as we scamper from Baghdad to Riyadh. Your guys can sell us snacks and soft drinks on our way out. That’s a win-win.
Some Americans will read my letter and say “But what will happen next?” It’s a tough call. If you let Iraq enjoy a semi-democracy for a year or three, you take the risk they may decide they like it. But think about it: you will have cleansed the country of infidels and you also have saved thousands of innocent lives,
Usama, I’m thinking Nobel Peace Price here. You can go down as the first man in history who inspired horrific violence, then with a simply pronouncement, turned the whole thing around.
You can do it. You are that smart. Unfortunately the world has only seen your evil side, and that’s scary. Flip the switch. Let your legacy be peace.
I apologize for how long this letter has become. Before I conclude, two more things:
First, I totally disagree with everything you stand for. But my gut says you can change.
Second, I thought your first name was spelled “Osama.” Why does the FBI call you “Usama?”
September 15th, 2005 at 10:00 am
You are in the wrong business. You should indeed work as a speechwriter. Usama, W and The Terminator all need your skills.
Regards,
Jim
September 15th, 2005 at 3:37 pm
As near as I can tell, Bin Laden’s objective is a sort of religious nihilism. With his brand of muslim fundamentalism, I’m sure he was happy to have Saddam, a secular (if fascist) ruler, out of the way and further that he is *delighted* that things are going so poorly for us in Iraq. He certainly doesn’t care about helping us to save face and likely prefers that we leave only if it is with our tail between our legs. He doesn’t care about whether Arab countries get rich from oil or don’t…he sees them as puppets of the West and would just assume they all be overthrown and replaced by Taliban-style theocracies. The more poorly the existing Arab regimes do, the better his ability to draw new recruits to his cause. That’s a win in his book. There is no room for concepts such as democracy in his world view and he will fight until the end of his days against them. Against us. I cannot imagine him negotiating even if he didn’t, seemingly in your appeal, hold all the cards.
I believe we will soon have to make some tough decisions about Iraq…about a sovereign nation that we invaded on incorrect pretenses and with piss poor aftermath planning to boot. Personally I believe that we have created a wellspring of new terrorist recruits through our actions, a situation we will have to live with for many years to come, regardless of when we pull out.
The only solace I can take from this is that those responsible for putting us in this situation might someday be held accountable and that Americans might wake up and take more seriously the turbulent times in which we live.
October 3rd, 2005 at 8:20 pm
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